why’s why’s and more y’s

This week can end any time now.

On Saturday, my 47 year old mother (lawyer, community activist, in very good health and shape) fell down the steep set of stairs in her house. She had been feeling dizzy for about a week before falling. When she got up (this was relayed to me by my sister, as my mom remembers none if it and I live in a different city) she threw up, made it to the bathroom, and blacked out. She hit the ground hard – the sound alerted my sister who dragged her out of the bathroom and stayed with her until she came back around. She refused to go to the hospital.

That same day, as I am just finding out, my 67 year old dad suffered a heart attack. Strange. Coincidences like these don’t tickle my fancy. My parents have been divorced for 2 years – haven’t even talked since then, but they live a few blocks away from each other. The day my mom fell, my dad was recovering from a knee surgery for his arthritis. Thankfully, he was on blood thinners because of the surgery – this probably saved me from writing this post about how I just lost my father.

I am so scared. My health anxiety may be crippling but the pain and worry I’m feeling every single time my thoughts wander and I realize how serious these things are. I can deal with my own health issues (in a way) but this uncertainty when it comes to my parents is not the same thing. My boyfriend keeps asking

“what do you want to do?”

and I just can’t even fathom the question. What do I do? I can’t make any decisions. I can’t figure out what to eat for breakfast or wear to work. Suddenly even the simplest decisions feel life-altering,

I can’t lose them. But I can’t just stand here doing nothing…

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